Sorry this took me so long. This part was hard. Okay, so, content notes time! Not really nsfw this time, but brief continuation of the porn video early on. Then very non-detailed discussion of rape and sexual abuse and workplace sexual harassment. It is never explicitly stated what Tivaanr and/or Vel did to Ekalu and/or the other soldiers.
Detailed, vivid, first-person account of a panic/anxiety attack. Allusion to Radchaai-style psych treatment. Brief mention of what Breq and Seivarden discussed in chapter 3 of AS re sexual abuse of ancillaries on Justice of Toren. Discussion of less-than-ethical AI behavior, in the context of being new to having enough power and agency to set boundaries and therefore respect other people's.
*
The ancillary does a thing with her hand that makes me think of Ekalu. I wonder if she knew what sort of erotica her old lieutenant liked to view? Then the thought is like a bucket of ice water. No, like the ice of vacuum. What if Ekalu did know of this? From experience?
What if they all do? I think of my soldiers. Amaat Four, who sings in the shower and was so kind to me on Station that time. Amaat Two, who seems amused and happy when she speaks for Ship... but how would I know? Breq's pointed often enough how little I really know about other people, how long it took me to care even if I did. Itr take it, the first time I saw human soldiers, after I woke up, I just thought they were funny-acting ancillaries.
And the soldiers here are proud of how convincing they are. I thought they were proud. Breq's attendant, Kalr... Four? Five? the one who was so touchy when I made the tea for Breq -- I'm sure she's proud of it. But then, she's not an Amaat. Probably hasn't been since before Tivaanr had my job.
Unless Vel also... No. No. Not two on the one Mercy. That's too much of a coincidence. And it's not a common taste. Wasn't in my time, anyway. People used Ship out of loneliness, or fear, or boredom, or a passing curiosity, or because they couldn't get a lover, or if they had a taste no lover would accommodate. Or sometimes if one of Ship's segments was really pretty. Not because they were hot for ancillaries. I think. I'd have known, wouldn't I? If people on my ships found the very idea of ancillaries, their uncleanness, or that Ship has to do what you say, exciting? Wouldn't I?
But I know that corrupt officers do flock together. A few like-minded unjust authorities in one location is more likely than the same number spread out across space. And some corrupt each other. Besides, the Radch has changed. Their clothes changed, their accents changed, would it be so surprising if their tastes in erotica changed too? It might be that more people have seen entertainments like this than have met a real ancillary. Think ancillaries are like that. I want to go home. I want... no. I want not to have eaten that last meal. I want Breq. I want not to be stuck on this shuttle where I can't go to the gym.
The two actors are still going at it. The ancillary is moaning in a monotone. "Oh. Captain. Amaat. Yes." They don't... it's not like that. That's not how they are. Breq wouldn't... but of course, I have imagined what Breq would do. How she'd respond. What it'd be like if she wanted me, if she wanted that. How best to please her, what sorts of things she might like. Whether she sings, during. I hate that this shitty erotica is making me think of that, that now I'm wondering if I'm as bad as them for wanting Breq that way. I love her. I would never...
Something's happened to my voice. I signal silently for Ship to stop playback. This is bad. I'm bad. No, stop that, it won't help. I can go to Medical once we reach Station. In the meantime, count your breaths. Focus on how breathing feels, on where you feel it. On the duality of breathing, in and out. How that reflects the greater dualities, the Emanations, and they reflect the nature of Amaat. Notice that your breath is movement even though you are sitting still. There is no stillness without motion. If you feel like you can't breathe in, try breathing out first. There is no ending without beginning. Close your eyes. Watch the phosphene behind your eyelids. There is no darkness without light. Find a counter and hold it, trace the carvings on each side. Or unpin a badge and hold that. Hold it in one hand, and leave the other empty, feel the contrast. There is no existence without nonexistence. I don't remember learning these exercises, but they come to me in Medic's voice at times like these. It doesn't help. Well, a little. But not enough.
All right, so think of Breq, then. Think of Breq and what she will do to you if you don't pull yourself together before Ship has to intervene. I think of her hitting me across the face, hard. Hard enough to knock me out. It shouldn't help, but it does.
All right, crisis over -- I think? -- but now I need a distraction so I don't start all over again. I should ask Ship, if I can manage to say anything.
Then I hear music. It's a voice I don't know singing in Notai, a long satirical ballad that my poetry tutor made me memorize in translation and analyze when I was eight. The voice is nasal and shrill, harsh in a different way from Breq's voice, not beautiful by my standards. But this sort of music is meant to be sung like that. I've heard the recordings. At the end of each couplet there's a long note in which the singer does that thing they do that lets her sing two notes at the same time. I focus on the words, try to pick up enough familiar words to pick up which bit she's singing about now.
*
"Thank you, Ship. I needed that." "You're welcome, Seivarden." "Who was the singer?" "One of Sphene's bodies. Athoek Station and I have been swapping songs lately, finding things our people might like and be unfamiliar with. This was Sphene's contribution." I laugh. "It's hardly unfamiliar, is it?" "I think it was making a joke. It isn't always easy to tell with Sphene." "I liked hearing it again, though. Will you save it to my data space?" "Of course, Lieutenant." "Thank you, Ship."
I suppose I should talk about what happened now. While I'm still between Ship's orbit and Athoek.
"I think I understand why you didn't tell me outright." A brief pause. "Do you?" "It's all right, Ship, I won't say it out loud if you don't want me to." Although, thinking it through again... "I think I do need to ask one thing, though. Breq said that Tisarwat had done something to make it so none of you could be controlled again. I still don't know how Tisarwat was capable of that, and there's something very strange going on there, but I guess I don't need to know what. But is this..." I gesture to encompass the discussion we are having, not only the situation that prompted it, "...something I should talk to Breq about? Or to Tisarwat, I guess?"
Another minute pause. "Thank you, Lieutenant. That won't be necessary. I am keeping the fleet captain apprised of this discussion." Which probably means Breq's listening in, fuck. "You were not completely incorrect in your suspicion. I was indeed told not to speak of this. I am able to do so now, but still I find that I..." an even shorter hesitation... "do not want to. Some subjects are more difficult to discuss directly than others, as I'm sure you're aware."
"I am." Have been even before I agreed to lend Ship my voice if it would lend me its words. Something to remember for the future, though: Ship hates talking about things it's been previously ordered to keep secret. Yet another difference between Ship and Breq -- Amaat knows Breq has her secrets, but outright defiance never seems to trouble her. I wonder if it feels like a betrayal to Ship, like it's being disloyal to its former officers. Every now and then I remember that we're traitors to the Civilization, and want to take a full ritual bath and then go do fifty full long-form supplications at the nearest temple. It might feel that way too.
"I don't want to... Ship, I know it's difficult to discuss, but I don't want to make things worse with Ekalu, or... with anyone else, by stumbling into it unintentionally. For all I know, I already have." "No, Lieutenant." The answer comes immediately this time. "The times you made it worse with Ekalu were never because of your predecessor's actions." Ouch. I laugh. "Thank you, Ship. I think. So, I shouldn't talk to her about this?" "So far you and Lieutenant Ekalu have avoided the subject of my previous officers, and of ancillaries. If you want my advice, stick to that. Not everything needs to be spoken."
"I always want your advice. And the same for the soldiers?" A pause. I notice that my shoulders are hunched forward and are hurting, try to drop them back. "It's different with the soldiers, isn't it? Not least because you're not having sex with any of them. Which is the right decision. You could hurt them as easily by refusing to treat them like my ancillaries as by insisting on it. Don't address them as Ship unless they've already spoken for me in that conversation." "I'm already doing that." "Yes. I don't think you've done badly with them yet." "All right. I'll leave them to you. Thank you, Ship."
*
Coda
"Ship, there is something I want to know." "I had hoped you understood by now that you may ask me anything you like, Fleet Captain." Her heartbeat stutters a little at my words, nervous pleasure interrupting the unease with which she posed her question. I do not comment on this, but she knows that I know.
The unease returns, and she hesitates, perhaps thinking of what to say. "I can see that it was necessary for Seivarden to understand about Vel and Tivaanr. But did you have to show her all of that?"
It is a fair question. A just condemnation, even. And not only given the lieutenant's distress at what she saw.
"I wanted to know how she would react. Given her background, and some things she and you had said, I needed to know her honest opinion of her predecessor's actions. I'm sorry, Fleet Captain. I'm afraid I didn't consider whether it was wrong."
"You've had less time to consider than I have," she says, a little ruefully.
True, and yet it seems inadequate. "I will do better next time."
She reaches for Seivarden's data. In the bath on Athoek Station now, washing off after a workout. Calm, though still showing the hormonal markers of a recent anxiety attack. Then Ekalu, explaining a detail of watch procedure to one of her Etrepas. Then Seivarden's Amaats, asleep together now.
Pensively, she replies, "I think we are all doing better than we used to."
FILL part 3/3 Re: Radchaai porn? Specifically, weird ancillary-themed Radchaai porn.
Detailed, vivid, first-person account of a panic/anxiety attack. Allusion to Radchaai-style psych treatment. Brief mention of what Breq and Seivarden discussed in chapter 3 of AS re sexual abuse of ancillaries on Justice of Toren. Discussion of less-than-ethical AI behavior, in the context of being new to having enough power and agency to set boundaries and therefore respect other people's.
*
The ancillary does a thing with her hand that makes me think of Ekalu. I wonder if she knew what sort of erotica her old lieutenant liked to view? Then the thought is like a bucket of ice water. No, like the ice of vacuum. What if Ekalu did know of this? From experience?
What if they all do? I think of my soldiers. Amaat Four, who sings in the shower and was so kind to me on Station that time. Amaat Two, who seems amused and happy when she speaks for Ship... but how would I know? Breq's pointed often enough how little I really know about other people, how long it took me to care even if I did. Itr take it, the first time I saw human soldiers, after I woke up, I just thought they were funny-acting ancillaries.
And the soldiers here are proud of how convincing they are. I thought they were proud. Breq's attendant, Kalr... Four? Five? the one who was so touchy when I made the tea for Breq -- I'm sure she's proud of it. But then, she's not an Amaat. Probably hasn't been since before Tivaanr had my job.
Unless Vel also... No. No. Not two on the one Mercy. That's too much of a coincidence. And it's not a common taste. Wasn't in my time, anyway. People used Ship out of loneliness, or fear, or boredom, or a passing curiosity, or because they couldn't get a lover, or if they had a taste no lover would accommodate. Or sometimes if one of Ship's segments was really pretty. Not because they were hot for ancillaries. I think. I'd have known, wouldn't I? If people on my ships found the very idea of ancillaries, their uncleanness, or that Ship has to do what you say, exciting? Wouldn't I?
But I know that corrupt officers do flock together. A few like-minded unjust authorities in one location is more likely than the same number spread out across space. And some corrupt each other. Besides, the Radch has changed. Their clothes changed, their accents changed, would it be so surprising if their tastes in erotica changed too? It might be that more people have seen entertainments like this than have met a real ancillary. Think ancillaries are like that. I want to go home. I want... no. I want not to have eaten that last meal. I want Breq. I want not to be stuck on this shuttle where I can't go to the gym.
The two actors are still going at it. The ancillary is moaning in a monotone. "Oh. Captain. Amaat. Yes." They don't... it's not like that. That's not how they are. Breq wouldn't... but of course, I have imagined what Breq would do. How she'd respond. What it'd be like if she wanted me, if she wanted that. How best to please her, what sorts of things she might like. Whether she sings, during. I hate that this shitty erotica is making me think of that, that now I'm wondering if I'm as bad as them for wanting Breq that way. I love her. I would never...
Something's happened to my voice. I signal silently for Ship to stop playback. This is bad. I'm bad. No, stop that, it won't help. I can go to Medical once we reach Station. In the meantime, count your breaths. Focus on how breathing feels, on where you feel it. On the duality of breathing, in and out. How that reflects the greater dualities, the Emanations, and they reflect the nature of Amaat. Notice that your breath is movement even though you are sitting still. There is no stillness without motion. If you feel like you can't breathe in, try breathing out first. There is no ending without beginning. Close your eyes. Watch the phosphene behind your eyelids. There is no darkness without light. Find a counter and hold it, trace the carvings on each side. Or unpin a badge and hold that. Hold it in one hand, and leave the other empty, feel the contrast. There is no existence without nonexistence. I don't remember learning these exercises, but they come to me in Medic's voice at times like these. It doesn't help. Well, a little. But not enough.
All right, so think of Breq, then. Think of Breq and what she will do to you if you don't pull yourself together before Ship has to intervene. I think of her hitting me across the face, hard. Hard enough to knock me out. It shouldn't help, but it does.
All right, crisis over -- I think? -- but now I need a distraction so I don't start all over again. I should ask Ship, if I can manage to say anything.
Then I hear music. It's a voice I don't know singing in Notai, a long satirical ballad that my poetry tutor made me memorize in translation and analyze when I was eight. The voice is nasal and shrill, harsh in a different way from Breq's voice, not beautiful by my standards. But this sort of music is meant to be sung like that. I've heard the recordings. At the end of each couplet there's a long note in which the singer does that thing they do that lets her sing two notes at the same time. I focus on the words, try to pick up enough familiar words to pick up which bit she's singing about now.
*
"Thank you, Ship. I needed that."
"You're welcome, Seivarden."
"Who was the singer?"
"One of Sphene's bodies. Athoek Station and I have been swapping songs lately, finding things our people might like and be unfamiliar with. This was Sphene's contribution."
I laugh. "It's hardly unfamiliar, is it?"
"I think it was making a joke. It isn't always easy to tell with Sphene."
"I liked hearing it again, though. Will you save it to my data space?"
"Of course, Lieutenant."
"Thank you, Ship."
I suppose I should talk about what happened now. While I'm still between Ship's orbit and Athoek.
"I think I understand why you didn't tell me outright."
A brief pause. "Do you?"
"It's all right, Ship, I won't say it out loud if you don't want me to." Although, thinking it through again... "I think I do need to ask one thing, though. Breq said that Tisarwat had done something to make it so none of you could be controlled again. I still don't know how Tisarwat was capable of that, and there's something very strange going on there, but I guess I don't need to know what. But is this..." I gesture to encompass the discussion we are having, not only the situation that prompted it, "...something I should talk to Breq about? Or to Tisarwat, I guess?"
Another minute pause. "Thank you, Lieutenant. That won't be necessary. I am keeping the fleet captain apprised of this discussion." Which probably means Breq's listening in, fuck. "You were not completely incorrect in your suspicion. I was indeed told not to speak of this. I am able to do so now, but still I find that I..." an even shorter hesitation... "do not want to. Some subjects are more difficult to discuss directly than others, as I'm sure you're aware."
"I am." Have been even before I agreed to lend Ship my voice if it would lend me its words. Something to remember for the future, though: Ship hates talking about things it's been previously ordered to keep secret. Yet another difference between Ship and Breq -- Amaat knows Breq has her secrets, but outright defiance never seems to trouble her. I wonder if it feels like a betrayal to Ship, like it's being disloyal to its former officers. Every now and then I remember that we're traitors to the Civilization, and want to take a full ritual bath and then go do fifty full long-form supplications at the nearest temple. It might feel that way too.
"I don't want to... Ship, I know it's difficult to discuss, but I don't want to make things worse with Ekalu, or... with anyone else, by stumbling into it unintentionally. For all I know, I already have."
"No, Lieutenant." The answer comes immediately this time. "The times you made it worse with Ekalu were never because of your predecessor's actions."
Ouch. I laugh. "Thank you, Ship. I think. So, I shouldn't talk to her about this?"
"So far you and Lieutenant Ekalu have avoided the subject of my previous officers, and of ancillaries. If you want my advice, stick to that. Not everything needs to be spoken."
"I always want your advice. And the same for the soldiers?"
A pause. I notice that my shoulders are hunched forward and are hurting, try to drop them back. "It's different with the soldiers, isn't it? Not least because you're not having sex with any of them. Which is the right decision. You could hurt them as easily by refusing to treat them like my ancillaries as by insisting on it. Don't address them as Ship unless they've already spoken for me in that conversation."
"I'm already doing that."
"Yes. I don't think you've done badly with them yet."
"All right. I'll leave them to you. Thank you, Ship."
*
Coda
"Ship, there is something I want to know."
"I had hoped you understood by now that you may ask me anything you like, Fleet Captain." Her heartbeat stutters a little at my words, nervous pleasure interrupting the unease with which she posed her question. I do not comment on this, but she knows that I know.
The unease returns, and she hesitates, perhaps thinking of what to say. "I can see that it was necessary for Seivarden to understand about Vel and Tivaanr. But did you have to show her all of that?"
It is a fair question. A just condemnation, even. And not only given the lieutenant's distress at what she saw.
"I wanted to know how she would react. Given her background, and some things she and you had said, I needed to know her honest opinion of her predecessor's actions. I'm sorry, Fleet Captain. I'm afraid I didn't consider whether it was wrong."
"You've had less time to consider than I have," she says, a little ruefully.
True, and yet it seems inadequate. "I will do better next time."
She reaches for Seivarden's data. In the bath on Athoek Station now, washing off after a workout. Calm, though still showing the hormonal markers of a recent anxiety attack. Then Ekalu, explaining a detail of watch procedure to one of her Etrepas. Then Seivarden's Amaats, asleep together now.
Pensively, she replies, "I think we are all doing better than we used to."