CW: mention of past rape and general ancillary related awfulness.
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She stayed like that, hunched over, face hidden, while I sat down for lack of anything better to do.
"This is the first time this is happening since we've been traveling," I said, stating the obvious.
"First time in years," she said, muffled. "I think it was the kef. I guess it's, uh, taken this long to get out of my system. Or-" But she didn't finish her thought. Instead she said, "You haven't, either. I mean. I haven't noticed-" Again the pause as she realized her sentence was not going where she wanted it to. "Do you take suppressants or do they just teach you extreme force of will in Special Missions?"
I didn't answer. When I was Justice of Toren, all my bodies were given implants which released regular doses of hormones to suppress their heat cycles. It would have been easy to chemically suppress the bodies' libidos altogether, but I'd never heard of this being done, I don't know if that was because it would have detrimental side effects or because ships' officers preferred it that way. Nineteen years later, my body's implant was still functional, which had been quite convenient for me.
Military officers don't take suppressants normally- most Radchaai don't- because there are side effects, sometimes unpleasant ones, that still haven't been eliminated even after thousands of years. It was worth it to me, or else I would have gotten my implant removed. In the Tetrarchy, people assumed I was one of those able to control my cycles simply through prayer and meditation. It helped my image.
I was never personally involved in Seivarden's sex life- no more than any ship was involved in everything their officers did. A lot of my officers made use of ancillaries during their heat cycles, despite the stigma of uncleanliness surrounding ancillary bodies. Seivarden had always been too proud, would have considered it an admission that she didn't have the ability to find herself a suitable partner or at worst be at least able to take care of things herself. I knew how long her cycles had usually lasted, how intense the symptoms were if not immediately attended to. But after everything she'd done to her body, none of that information could be relied upon now.
I considered the rest of the ship's crew and passengers. I couldn't imagine Seivarden her being interested in any of them, and none of them seemed likely to get excited over some pheromones. There was nowhere private on the ship where Seivarden could go, except perhaps the sanitary facilities, but the ship's crew had two shifts so there was no time when those were guaranteed to be unoccupied for any extended period.
"I'm sorry," she said, still muffled. "I'd hoped you wouldn't notice."
"It's fine," I said. "You can't help it."
"Other servants must deal with it somehow, though," she said. From her tone I could tell she'd spent some time thinking about this.
"Yes," I said. "Probably often with difficulty." I walked over to the door. "I'll spend most of my time in the common area for the next few days," I said. "You can masturbate while I'm out, and when I'm asleep." I heard her make a shocked noise, but I didn't wait to watch her reaction. I left.
I made sure to make my footsteps louder than usual, on the way back, and I knocked on the door before entering. "Come in," Seivarden said from the other side. I pressed the button and the door slid back. Seivarden was on the floor, curled up around my pillow. Facing away from me.
"Did you eat anything?"
"No."
"There's still food in the galley."
"I'm not hungry."
I stepped over her and lay down on my bed. I would let her have the pillow. I didn't need it to sleep.
I woke up in the middle of the night and heard her whimpering, heard the sounds of her shuddering against the rough surface of her pallet. I rolled over and went back to sleep.
In the morning she was sitting up against the wall again, and she was obviously worse. Her hair was damp and she was wearing only a large robe I'd bought her at the last station we visited. I imagined the tight clothing which was all she had would be very uncomfortable for her right now. She was shaking. I couldn't tell if the moisture on her face was water from her shower or sweat. Her jaw was clenched and she was breathing hard and whining a little, at the back of her throat. There was a very strong smell of sex pheromones in our small cabin.
I got up and took a step towards her, reaching out a hand to check her temperature, and she flinched back violently and said, "You should probably stay away from me right now," high pitched and forced through gritted teeth.
"All right," I said. I went out into the common area, and played counters with an elderly fellow passenger. She enquired as to the whereabouts of my servant, and I told her Seivarden wasn't feeling well.
"Not something catching, I hope," she said, alarmed. I assured her that it was not, just an allergy.
When I came back an hour later my knock garnered no response. "Seivarden?" I called. Still nothing. I pressed the button.
Seivarden was naked in my bed, face and crotch pressed against my sheets, rubbing herself desperately against the fabric. Upon closer inspection I saw that she had one of my shirts between her face and the bed, and had stuffed it into her mouth to muffle her sobs and moans.
"Seivarden," I said sharply.
I could see her spasm in surprised horror, and try to freeze, but she couldn't quite manage to stop herself moving. She made some noises that were probably expletives but which were rendered incomprehensible by the fabric in her mouth.
I stepped further into the cabin. From a closer vantage, I could see that the sheets were very wet beneath her and would need some serious cleaning. The angle of her hips provided me with the slightest glimpse of her engorged and reddened genitals. Her eyes glistened with tears.
"Are you in my bed because it is more comfortable than the floor," I asked, "or because you were aroused by my scent?"
She blinked, staring at me, apparently having difficulty processing my question.
I took a step closer. "Would it help if we had sex?" I asked, flat, toneless.
After all, her condition was becoming inconvenient to both of us. It was in my best interest to deal with it in the most efficient way.
NSFW- FILL PART 2 Re: Heat cycles
---
She stayed like that, hunched over, face hidden, while I sat down for lack of anything better to do.
"This is the first time this is happening since we've been traveling," I said, stating the obvious.
"First time in years," she said, muffled. "I think it was the kef. I guess it's, uh, taken this long to get out of my system. Or-" But she didn't finish her thought. Instead she said, "You haven't, either. I mean. I haven't noticed-" Again the pause as she realized her sentence was not going where she wanted it to. "Do you take suppressants or do they just teach you extreme force of will in Special Missions?"
I didn't answer. When I was Justice of Toren, all my bodies were given implants which released regular doses of hormones to suppress their heat cycles. It would have been easy to chemically suppress the bodies' libidos altogether, but I'd never heard of this being done, I don't know if that was because it would have detrimental side effects or because ships' officers preferred it that way. Nineteen years later, my body's implant was still functional, which had been quite convenient for me.
Military officers don't take suppressants normally- most Radchaai don't- because there are side effects, sometimes unpleasant ones, that still haven't been eliminated even after thousands of years. It was worth it to me, or else I would have gotten my implant removed. In the Tetrarchy, people assumed I was one of those able to control my cycles simply through prayer and meditation. It helped my image.
I was never personally involved in Seivarden's sex life- no more than any ship was involved in everything their officers did. A lot of my officers made use of ancillaries during their heat cycles, despite the stigma of uncleanliness surrounding ancillary bodies. Seivarden had always been too proud, would have considered it an admission that she didn't have the ability to find herself a suitable partner or at worst be at least able to take care of things herself. I knew how long her cycles had usually lasted, how intense the symptoms were if not immediately attended to. But after everything she'd done to her body, none of that information could be relied upon now.
I considered the rest of the ship's crew and passengers. I couldn't imagine Seivarden her being interested in any of them, and none of them seemed likely to get excited over some pheromones. There was nowhere private on the ship where Seivarden could go, except perhaps the sanitary facilities, but the ship's crew had two shifts so there was no time when those were guaranteed to be unoccupied for any extended period.
"I'm sorry," she said, still muffled. "I'd hoped you wouldn't notice."
"It's fine," I said. "You can't help it."
"Other servants must deal with it somehow, though," she said. From her tone I could tell she'd spent some time thinking about this.
"Yes," I said. "Probably often with difficulty." I walked over to the door. "I'll spend most of my time in the common area for the next few days," I said. "You can masturbate while I'm out, and when I'm asleep." I heard her make a shocked noise, but I didn't wait to watch her reaction. I left.
I made sure to make my footsteps louder than usual, on the way back, and I knocked on the door before entering. "Come in," Seivarden said from the other side. I pressed the button and the door slid back. Seivarden was on the floor, curled up around my pillow. Facing away from me.
"Did you eat anything?"
"No."
"There's still food in the galley."
"I'm not hungry."
I stepped over her and lay down on my bed. I would let her have the pillow. I didn't need it to sleep.
I woke up in the middle of the night and heard her whimpering, heard the sounds of her shuddering against the rough surface of her pallet. I rolled over and went back to sleep.
In the morning she was sitting up against the wall again, and she was obviously worse. Her hair was damp and she was wearing only a large robe I'd bought her at the last station we visited. I imagined the tight clothing which was all she had would be very uncomfortable for her right now. She was shaking. I couldn't tell if the moisture on her face was water from her shower or sweat. Her jaw was clenched and she was breathing hard and whining a little, at the back of her throat. There was a very strong smell of sex pheromones in our small cabin.
I got up and took a step towards her, reaching out a hand to check her temperature, and she flinched back violently and said, "You should probably stay away from me right now," high pitched and forced through gritted teeth.
"All right," I said. I went out into the common area, and played counters with an elderly fellow passenger. She enquired as to the whereabouts of my servant, and I told her Seivarden wasn't feeling well.
"Not something catching, I hope," she said, alarmed. I assured her that it was not, just an allergy.
When I came back an hour later my knock garnered no response. "Seivarden?" I called. Still nothing. I pressed the button.
Seivarden was naked in my bed, face and crotch pressed against my sheets, rubbing herself desperately against the fabric. Upon closer inspection I saw that she had one of my shirts between her face and the bed, and had stuffed it into her mouth to muffle her sobs and moans.
"Seivarden," I said sharply.
I could see her spasm in surprised horror, and try to freeze, but she couldn't quite manage to stop herself moving. She made some noises that were probably expletives but which were rendered incomprehensible by the fabric in her mouth.
I stepped further into the cabin. From a closer vantage, I could see that the sheets were very wet beneath her and would need some serious cleaning. The angle of her hips provided me with the slightest glimpse of her engorged and reddened genitals. Her eyes glistened with tears.
"Are you in my bed because it is more comfortable than the floor," I asked, "or because you were aroused by my scent?"
She blinked, staring at me, apparently having difficulty processing my question.
I took a step closer. "Would it help if we had sex?" I asked, flat, toneless.
After all, her condition was becoming inconvenient to both of us. It was in my best interest to deal with it in the most efficient way.